Thinking too much.

I hate it when you assume I am thinking too much, I am being ridiculous, I am angry for nothing. I hate it when you use sarcasms in your replies or when you just dont reply anymore. Often, I think to myself, will you regret if I just die on my way home. Maybe you won't, since you are also so tired of how I behave, how our relationship is turning out to be.
Yesterday, I was talking to one of my colleagues. her situation is the exact opposite as mine. We talked about how at our age, we want to settle down and not fool around anymore. Then we question ourselves, are we in a relationship just because we want to settle down? What if the person is not the one for us? Will we be happier if we are single. Or if we find another partner. We talked about the show of respect. About communication. Same issues. I dont know where this entry is heading to. I'm just tired. Not to be spiteful but I dont really want to text you anymore. I dont want to care too much. I secretly hope you will treasure me more and talk to me more. I also secretly hope that you will be interested in my life. I used to think I must tell you everything. But then recently, some things happened at work. I feel like I dont need to tell you because it doesnt matter? Not like you will care much also.
If this keeps up, I know our marriage will be not blissful or be like those happily ever after kind. I will be unhappy, maybe you too. And you wont care if I am happy or not. Since I will always be unhappy till you get sick of me. I think I am just entering marriage for the sake of it. Because it is the right time. And honestly, because I dont know if I will find someone else to spend my life with. Oh well. If it turns out well, then good for both of us. If not, then it's okay also because from the start, I dont have much expectation. Maybe I will focus my attention on other more deserving things, my career or my children if I have any.

To make up

Barely a month after we seemingly resolved our issues, we had an argument again. This time, I feel hatred and anger towards him. It's the same thing over and over again. I merely wanted him to do something which I thought would be good for him. But then I was met with more arguments and 'attacks' from him. Yes, I could have just cuddled and hugged him and to make up. But I was still seething with anger and just felt so unfair. Everytime I try to say something, he has something to say. Even better, he can remember things so well to quote one off incidents to attack me. What can I say. Nothing to say. I wanted to make up. But I didn't know my choice of words. I didn't know what to say. I feel hatred. I really hate him for always saying that I'm always angry, for quoting one off incidents to shoot me back, for trying to justify his behaviour. Maybe I should be the one to suck it up. I feel like I'm his property. I should listen and not argue. I should respect his current habits, even if I disagree with them. I shouldn't care about him. Why should I try to change him. I know he cannot be changed by me. I'm merely a peck of dust in his life.

Dear diary,

To me now, he feels so far away I don't even know him. The sadness is creeping in, the nonchalance as well. I feel like I should already move on and pretend the past 2 years plus were not there at all. Like a blank out period. I cannot take this any longer. If he is not going to do anything to make me feel like the relationship is worth it, I think we should just end this. I'm so tired and upset and terribly disappointed. I feel unwanted and abandoned.

No more good nights

Dear diary,

Last night I didn't say goodnight to him. He didn't either. I guess this is it.  I'm really not going to do anything about our relationship. What for? What's the point? He doesn't even care. Why should I care so much? It's no wonder some people say, better not invest too much into a relationship. That way, you won't feel so hurt when something like this happens. Am I being stubborn? Unreasonable? Petty? I don't think so... As days go by, I feel more hopeless. Hopeless in him and thus, our relationship.

Dwindling

Dear diary,

Today I went to JB with my colleagues. It was fun. We had a great time shopping and eating at Teck Sing and KSL. It was a pity my Otah buns were sold out at Seasons'. It's always a fun time with my colleagues, especially Mrs Looi!

When I came back to Singapore, I had to face reality. The reality that zengwei is still not doing anything to make the relationship better. As each day passes by, I get more nonchalant about the relationship. Maybe I just want him to cherish me more, to understand how I felt when he gave me sian attitude. Now I'm really sian because I honestly think he will never get it. He will just think I'm a petty and angry girl. Always angry over small things. After more than 2 years, I realised he does not understand how I feel and what I really want from him. I always thought if someone loves you so much, he or she would be willing to change or do something for you. He doesn't. He has such always strong set of attitudes and beliefs that whatever I say to him, it always feels like I'm talking to the wall. He doesn't change for me. Well, maybe my expectations of him are too sky high. I've long given up on trying to influence him. I feel like a nobody in his life. Yea, he tells me he loves me but. I don't feel that way. As I am writing all these now, I suddenly realised why I always felt that way. At the beginning it was all sweet, forgiving and accommodating. After that, it's resistance, arguments, stubbornness always. I'm trying very hard but I don't think he is. And I am tired and unhappy. Really so unhappy. I really am.